#humor

"Inspiration vs. Plagiarism [10w] Inspiration is improving on another's idea;plagiarism is copy/paste piracy."

"A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"Did I hear God call me an idiot?"

"Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you."

"I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face."

"Stairs,"Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs,"Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really."

"Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture."

"At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated."

"In a gust of guts and gusto, I told her of my love for her. Then, like a tornado, she spun what I said into something that terrorized Kansas."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway."

"I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' … The twenty-five percent is for error."

"Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations,"said Ron, to general astonishment."

"First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here."

"Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: "What the heck is going on down there?"

"Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk."