Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"If you want to bend your mind, don’t use a crowbar."

"One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so my mortality is on my mind."

"There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook."

"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."

"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."

"Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball."

"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools."

"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."

"Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."