Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them."

"There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up."

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball."

"A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back."

"The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy."

"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."

"When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe, besides God, could be a good or bad thing."

"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."

"I put the “now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow."

"I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet."

"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them."

"There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."