Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about."

"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."

"I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet."

"I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them."

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there."

"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."

"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."

"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."

"I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography."

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."