Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ended up waking it up."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about."

"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."

"Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are."

"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."

"Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy."

"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."

"All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system."

"With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin."

"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream."

"After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography."

"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."

"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."

"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."

"My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end."

"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"