Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."

"I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?"

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."

"Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy."

"I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral."

"Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball."

"We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."

"When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased."

"With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact."

"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"

"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."