Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My love for you grows daily, and all it takes is exposure to your sunny disposition, coupled with watering it with coffee."

"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."

"I loved how your cheeks had a natural rouge, like a delicate rose, and I was a rogue full of thorns. I was only a flower when I was with you."

"To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients."

"I miss her like 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, and 5 misses 8. When we made love, our two bodies formed one spiral that seemed to cycle to the sky."

"My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence."

"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"

"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."

"I loved how your cheeks had a natural rouge, like a delicate rose, and I was a rogue full of thorns. I was only a flower when I was with you."

"Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees."

"My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special."

"I question the equation like an equestrian, and I realize it’s horseshit. What is the equation? Vote=Change."

"Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know?"

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."

"All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions."

"My love for you grows daily, and all it takes is exposure to your sunny disposition, coupled with watering it with coffee."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she was just after my massive fortune. Then I relaxed, when I remembered I'm poor."

"As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies."