Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me."

"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"My love is powdered sunshine. Just add water. (Warning: Do NOT attempt to snort it or distribute as a healthy cocaine substitute.)"

"My coffee cup is empty. Why don't you pour your love in and wake up my soul?"

"On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"The heart sees what the eyes do not, and the heart hears what the ears cannot. Sight and sound are vibrations, and so is love."

"Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses."

"I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."

"My heart is spinning. Love is a tornado. Will you be my Kansas?"

"I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me."