Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"If a company won't hire you, why don't you start your own company? Steve Jobs created jobs, he didn't apply for them. #Startup your dreams."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"Everyone is a salesman, and the product is each person. Personal branding is being conscious to the continual nature of selling yourself."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it."

"The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn’t it be longer?"

"A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."

"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."

"My writing has appeared in the New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, though whenever the newsstand guy catches me scribbling my poetry in them, he always comes along later and erases it."

"I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?"

"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself."

"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."

"My cabinet was made by hand. My applause is also made by hand, and I stood there clapping the whole time the carpenter was making my cabinet."

"The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded."