Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"She’s twelve hours in the future, and exactly half a world away. No matter how hard I try, I will always be a part of her past."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"Once a Ponce a time she made me feel like a conquistador. Now her memory is just a breeze seen in swaying Spanish moss."

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics."

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened."

"Glue holds stuff together pretty well. But why not try using guitar music as an adhesive? After all, it’s held many bands together."

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."

"Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold."

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"I curse in cursive. It's hard to read and harder take. But if you take it black, like coffee, then at least it may wake you up to the realities of life."

"I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?"

"The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn’t it be longer?"

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x."

"I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future."

"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"As soon as you cross the county line into where all the wealthier people live, the weather is suddenly sunnier and warmer. Even at night."