funny

"I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet."

"Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else."

"I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues."

"Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy."

"Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies."

"I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen."

"La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!"

"Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie."

"And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep."

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it?"He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.""It's got a car alarm.""Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?""No. It's a pretty good car alarm."

"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."

"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"

"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."

"She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming."