funny

"I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant."

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

"Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too."

"The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

"I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside"

"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."

"My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"Who are you and how did you get in here?""I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."

"Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!"

"Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge."

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>"

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

"Nerd life is just so much better than regular life."