funny

"Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!"

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead."

"I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave."

"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."

"Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers."

"She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity."

"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."

"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"

"Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall."

"!لك شيء في هذا العالم.. فقم"

"No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it."

"If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds."

"I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist."

"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"

"I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits."