funny

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?"

"You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!"

"The human body is the best work of art."

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."

"Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat"

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"But there's a juicy artery in your groin,"he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide."Don't you talk dirty,"I told him. "I won't listen to that."

"My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that."

"If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder."

"My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?"

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!"

"The cure for boredom is curiosity.There is no cure for curiosity."