funny

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it or not, my parents were so poor that they didn’t even own a farm. Nope. Instead, they had to live in a small apartment in the city."

"My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel."

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"In this world only the paranoid survive."

"New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"And now,"Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum."

"What are you"-Mac "I don't follow"-Jericho "You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you?"-Mac "A man with a rope."-Jericho"

"The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him."

"Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?"

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."

"I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror."

"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

"Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is confusing and abstract and makes people ask, What is that thing? And I always reply, “If you already knew, why did you ask?"