funny

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves."

"Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."

"He thinks things through too much."

"Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat,"I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy."

"What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name"

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here."

"And as Voltaire, one of our nation’s Founding Fathers, once said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it."

"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?"

"I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me."

"There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about."