funny

"Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t."

"I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home,"I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you,"he says."

"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice."

"I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like, Her love was as pure as yellow snow."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"I like to spoon after I fork."

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."

"If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping."

"The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content."

"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!"