humor

"In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms."

"I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne."

"Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's funny movies - all the humor comes out of sad stuff. Sometimes you have to laugh, no matter what life deals you."

"Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored."

"Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way."

"Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't."

"I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it."

"Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?"

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

"There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them."

"All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."