humor

"When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn."

"Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes."

"Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it."

"I love a man with a great sense of humor and who is intelligent - a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is very ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident - that is very sexy - but at the same time, he's very kind to people."

"I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising."

"I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons."

"But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two."

"I'm a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things."

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure."

"I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it."

"What ho!"I said."What ho!"said Motty."What ho! What ho!""What ho! What ho! What ho!"After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation."

"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."

"I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?"

"I've always been a fan of a Johnny Carson because he was so great with an audience and not afraid of self-deprecating humor."