humor

"Ginny!"said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?"

"I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments."

"Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"

"Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!"

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."

"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet."

"There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble."

"I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before."

"Civilization is vastly overrated."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy."

"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"I have a good sense of humor. I think everything we do should have whimsy in it."

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."

"It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?"

"Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive."

"I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery."

"Do you like to slide?"His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights.""Oh."His polite tone had returned."I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him."Especially,"I added, "as I've grown taller."