#Alcohol

"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."

"I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels."

"As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies."

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."

"Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"My mind may be sober, but my confidence is high!"

"I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory."

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business."

"She brews a bruise on my heart, and drinks it like a beer. She calls it love, but she would, because she’s drunk on my torment."

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."

"Sex parties, alcohol and drugs lost their appeal to Sven after a while. Music never did, in his continual search for that sober connection--intimacy with one person over a long period of time, as opposed to periods of intimacy with a bunch of random faces."

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"It is sad that people need alcohol to make them happy."