#Funny

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting."

"I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment."

"I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk."

"Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch"

"I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,"said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."

"Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped,"he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!"Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times,"Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!"

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours."