#Funny

"When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!"

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

"I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me."

"However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

"I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me."

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead."

"As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage,"and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit."

"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped,"he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!"Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times,"Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!"

"I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy."

"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."

"Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes."

"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

"Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat"