#Funny

"You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

"Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up."

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."

"Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth."

"I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?"

"..."vers libre,"(free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture."

"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."

"I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are."

"Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things."

"Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair."

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."