#Funny

"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are."

"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."

"Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"When I started, I wanted to be thought of as tortured and seductive, not funny, but humor tends to be a reflexive part of a person's sensibility. It's an almost impossible thing to teach anyone, which leads me to believe that it's intuitive."

"Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?"

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's funny movies - all the humor comes out of sad stuff. Sometimes you have to laugh, no matter what life deals you."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss."

"You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.”I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. “First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you’re just jealous.”“Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."