#Funny

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else."

"Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you."

"It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog."

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police."

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."

"When mice run, cats give chase."

"To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans"

"I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive."

"The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."