#Funny

"I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk."

"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."

"I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally."

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."

"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."

"Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me."

"I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it."

"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."

"Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. "Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.""I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake.""That's not how you spell it."At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. "There's no T in itchin'."Or not."

"Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note"

"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same."

"She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride."

"Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress."

"She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch"

"It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?"at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride"