#Funny

"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot,"I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,"he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish,"I explained."

"I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet."

"You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so monotonous as repetition. That’s why he loathed walking so much. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and on and on."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."

"I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead"

"Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore."

"I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s."

"And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny."

"Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too"

"Don't gobblefunk around with words."

"Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow."

"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."