#Funny

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"But Amy,"Elder says. "Space suits!"

"Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand."

"When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"I've got the Mark of Cain,"said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself,"Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday."

"I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone! ' but how can do that without a bloody phone?"

"Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it."

"Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast."

"If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence."

"I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"