#humor

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"I g-g-guess...I'm dead?"she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin.For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then:"Hi, Dead. I'm Dan."

"Penetrate the Mysteries "If you ever hope to penetrate the mysteries of the universe,you've got to buy her a drink first and then pretend you're listening."

"but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment."

"You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen."

"If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel."

"Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?"And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence."

"Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far."

"If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you."

"Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening."

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"BFF, My Ass ~ It's a Jungle Out There! About one-third of all marriages are procured by sabotaging your best friend's happiness."

"I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go."

"I run like I walk—only slower. And I make love like a one-man circus show."

"Sane is boring."

"Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers."

"In the end, everything is a gag."

"There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME!"

"Maine State Motto Dirigo. [10]You won't find no niggers here, eh."

"That Jesus Kinda' Love [20w] What people do for the loveof their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,I wouldn't do for my fucking mother."