#word-junkies

"When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you."

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"Why sell farming equipment to farmers? I should cut out the middleman and sell tractors directly to people dining in restaurants."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"She brews a bruise on my heart, and drinks it like a beer. She calls it love, but she would, because she’s drunk on my torment."

"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."

"Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business."

"I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can."

"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."

"I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some."

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."

"I wholesale wholesome, and sometimes I even halfsale it. But even when I halfsale, I still charge 100%. That’s the Zeno Discount."

"She wants to teach me to dance, but how do you instruct water to flow? I'm so fluid all you can do is swim in my moves and drink my essence."

"My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive."

"My coffee cup is empty. Why don't you pour your love in and wake up my soul?"

"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."

"Candle making is a half-ass business, because the product is only useful half the day, at night. Why not make candles that double as dildos, and make it a whole-ass business."

"I’m passionate about being compassionate. It takes a lot to give of yourself, and that’s why it’s such a gift—for both the recipient and the giver."