#word-junkies

"I loved her, she loved him, and he loved himself. Now she loves me, he loves her, and I love myself as I am—without her in my life."

"When you find yourself in hot water, what else can you do but make a spot of tea? I still have a spot of tea on my shirt from yesterday."

"In my memory her love shimmers, glimmers, and glitters the way light on black water reflects like diamonds, the treasure that was us."

"Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad."

"A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors."

"I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you."

"Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously."

"Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?"

"I just bought a new dishwasher. Some guy was selling two of them in a barn, and it was either that or get a horse, but horses leave spots on silverware."

"2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom."

"Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge."

"If my favorite three letters are X, Z, and Q, then my favorite word is Xazaqazax. It means “a lover of love."

"I sip my coffee like I fall in love—alone in a field of flowers, writing poetry for the mailman, who delivers love letters, but never gets any."

"I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there."

"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."

"I hide how I feel, and I hide the fact that I hide how I feel, but I can't bury the past without having a funeral of the heart."

"I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."

"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."