#word-junkies

"There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking"

"I knocked on her door twice. The second time was from the inside. That’s how love works. At first you want in, and then you want out."

"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."

"Trees shaped like deer should not be ridden like benches if they get stuck up in other trees. No hunting farming allowed. Fishing only."

"I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated."

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"Despite his last name, I’ll bet Johnny Cash never had an inflated ego, or needed a wheelbarrow full of last name to go shopping."

"Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love."

"Word of mouth—it's more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand. If you need me, I’ll be in the audience clapping."

"I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination."

"Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love."

"A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires."

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"Even though it’s locked in a cage, my heart is a bird that flutters at the sound of her voice, as if trying to fly to the point in the sky where yellow meets blue."