#word-junkies

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."

"I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden."

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately."

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"Every day I’m growing as a man. I’m not growing in height, but rather I’m growing in love, which makes me seem taller than I really am."

"He rose like heroes, and I rose like rows of red roses. Love grows wherever you plant it, so I try to farm it wherever I go."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."

"I just bought a bag of potato chips. It was a smart buy, because when this world runs out of clean air, I’ll have plenty in that one little purchase."

"It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love."

"Trees shaped like deer should not be ridden like benches if they get stuck up in other trees. No hunting farming allowed. Fishing only."

"Her heart is so dark, if it were ink it’d be beyond black and would only be good for writing a murder mystery novel."

"I’ve got a way with love. Away with love."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco."

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Let’s get romantic and head to bed and make meatloaf all night long. I’ll wear my Ben Bernanke beard, because it fits me like a fur coat."

"I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you."