#word-junkies

"He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance."

"Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"The strands of DNA are like strings, and it’s as if I am a walking guitar, a musical being whose vibration can be heard as love."

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"Is it easier to get you to do what I want with a fist to your face, or a gentle pat on the back and a handshake? Let this be a lesson in power."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."

"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."

"I think a cool #startup would be a company that makes Finish line tape, for marathons. In the long run, it could be very profitable."

"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"I love coffee cake, but I would prefer if it were just a little more drinkable. I almost choked while chugging some this morning, and if it weren’t for the fluid nature of clownfish, I might have caught feelings for Hillary using a basketball net."

"She said she'd love me forever. That was two days ago, so I should probably ask her again if she still feels the same way."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"A love story in six words: Hello. Goodbye. In between was marriage."

"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."