#word-junkies

"I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your heresy."

"In the long run, even a marathon looks like a sprint. This is how I can love with such Roger Bannisteresque intensity."

"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."

"Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!"

"I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in."

"Dawn is meant for Lovers. And so is dusk and anytime in between. Count me in. And out. In, out, in, out, and I just came, I saw, I conked out.-Amanda Mosher and Jarod Kintz"

"My love is expansive. Your love is expensive."

"My love for you grows daily, and all it takes is exposure to your sunny disposition, coupled with watering it with coffee."

"A white wedding dress, once worn, is like the ghost of a moment, trapping feelings of forever into fabric that’s never to be tried on again."

"I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"I strum a fishing pole line like a guitar string. I hunt like a bow and arrow is a partial harp. And I make love like I’ve got a Buy One Get One FREE coupon."

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic."

"I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"Is there a drug that will illuminate the mind and eliminate all the drugs the modern medical system will try to convince you that you need to take?"