#word-junkies

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I loved her, she loved him, and he loved himself. Now she loves me, he loves her, and I love myself as I am—without her in my life."

"Coffee can’t melt in the summer heat, and that’s what I like about liquid soap. Wake and Clean is my new product that combines both into one exciting new drink."

"I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading."

"Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek."

"We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him."

"I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet completely agreeing with me. That’s how I knew you loved me."

"Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not."

"I think I’m mouth blind and that’s why all food tastes bland. The only things that have any flavor are the words I love you."

"I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"I fish the old-fashioned way—with dynamite and screen doors for nets. Don’t be rude—knock before entering the kill zone."

"Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"How beautiful would it be if we could just see souls instead of bodies? To see love and compassion instead of curves."

"Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics."

"Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me."

"I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her."

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she was just after my massive fortune. Then I relaxed, when I remembered I'm poor."