#word-junkies

"I'm about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. Like a true hustler."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me."

"My past is black and my future is blank. My only canvas is the present. The best color to paint with is love."

"So many women are fighting to receive my love that Chuck Norris had to intervene, and instantly he was defeated by desire. #OutBoastKanye"

"You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs."

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge."

"I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late."

"I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"

"A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible."

"Why sell farming equipment to farmers? I should cut out the middleman and sell tractors directly to people dining in restaurants."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"