Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."

"New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"A squeegee is a sponge on a stick, and if there is a tangible item that’s more romantic, I don’t know what it is. Never go on a first date without one."

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."

"A writer used to live life like Julius Seizure: I came, I saw, I queried. Now you can take control of your consciousness and self-publish."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"Tennis is the only sport with love in the score, and that makes it the most romantic. I would be a player, but I wisely use the net to go fishing instead."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"I like my coffee like Colfax Avenue mixed with Atlantic Boulevard, and if you're buying then I'm driving. Let's sip this romance slowly."

"She cuts me deep with her words, with her withholding of words, and with her knife. I’m not sure which is the most painful."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"You should save your hard-earned dollars, because one day when you have no electricity you'll need a big stash to burn to keep yourself warm."

"I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely."

"I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs."

"On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!"

"Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product."