Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"She moves through my memory the way the gentle river waves turn the setting sun's rays into a nostalgic light show."

"The memory of her love shimmers the way white light ripples gently on the midnight river, and I am currently thirsting to swim in the current that will flow downstream into her wading and waiting arms."

"Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for."

"Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one."

"I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"I strum a fishing pole line like a guitar string. I hunt like a bow and arrow is a partial harp. And I make love like I’ve got a Buy One Get One FREE coupon."

"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through."

"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."

"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."

"I hide how I feel, and I hide the fact that I hide how I feel, but I can't bury the past without having a funeral of the heart."