Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers."

"The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight."

"It takes guts to love with gusto. Most people love as if they wish they were invisible, and then they wonder why their affections go unnoticed."

"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."

"If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting."

"Her beauty took my breath away, and allowed the spring breeze to fill my lungs with honeysuckle, jasmine, and desire."

"My past is black and my future is blank. My only canvas is the present. The best color to paint with is love."

"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."

"I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women."

"I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine."

"Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business."

"I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"I made a cauldron of coffee, and I was thinking we could chug it and then teach each other how to dance by using the bottom of a floating canoe as a ballroom."

"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."

"When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with a 50% stake."

"A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored."

"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."