Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

"The words I love you form an oral floral phrase that's so fragrant it can overpower even the most flagrantly foul-mouthed utterance."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love."

"2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom."

"One butterfly wing reflected wholly in a mirror won’t give flight. Let this be a lesson in love."

"She moves through my memory the way the gentle river waves turn the setting sun's rays into a nostalgic light show."

"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"If football players wanted to protect their brains from injury they’d wear astronaut helmets. After all, astronauts have massive IQ’s, so wearing their protective headgear seems like a smart choice."

"The size of your sighs tell how deeply you’re in love. How I feel is very much like a stressed and distressed midget trying to breathe."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart."

"The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?"

"You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal."

"After soul searching, I found myself. Then I found myself giving of myself to a charity that finds missing children. It's great to be found."

"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."

"I have two hands, so when I’m networking and I meet two new people, is it OK to shake both their hands at once? Or would it be more appropriate to organize a group hug?"

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"She makes my heart melt. There is a limited supply of sips, so grab a straw and start slurping while you can."