Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power."

"I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard."

"One butterfly wing reflected wholly in a mirror won’t give flight. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"She said love her or be tortured by her. I replied, "Torture would be less painful."She didn't realize that I'm a true romantic."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me."

"I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"Love may make you feel blue, love may make you feel green, and sometimes love may even make you feel turquoise or teal. Depression and envy get all the pretty shades of description, and I love that, but in a pink/purple kind of way."

"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."

"Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her."

"I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me."

"My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love."

"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."

"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"I lost interest in her because she said the wrong thing. She said nothing."