funny

"Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.""You noticed,"said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,"added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents,"said Alec."

"Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"Don't make me angry-kiss you."

"I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts."

"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."

"Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff."

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"

"One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock..."

"Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

"I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone."

"If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds."

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

"The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."