funny

"Of course you know, this means war."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep."

"Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did."

"Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises."

"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep."

"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."

"It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside"

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat"

"I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle."

"My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket."