funny

"Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?"

"Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"All your life, you will be faced with a choice. You can choose love or hate…I choose love."

"I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally."

"Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time."

"I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this."

"Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears."

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"Simon!"Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?"Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.”I smile, a little. “You said effing,” I say. “You actually said the word effing."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."