funny

"I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."

"Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless.."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"

"Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place."

"You're very welcome,"she said, giving my hair a hard tug. "You should be used to being gawked at by now.""And yet I'm not.""Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal, and I'll get up on the banquet table, toss my skirt over my head, and do a little dance. That way no one will be looking at you."

"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."

"That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion."

"I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)"

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1."

"She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea."

"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"