funny

"All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of."

"I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."

"What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes."

"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."

"I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay."

"You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf."

"No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it."

"Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners."

"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."

"There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles."

"Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood."

"I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone! ' but how can do that without a bloody phone?"

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait."

"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage,"and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."