funny

"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."

"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree."

"I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"I've got the Mark of Cain,"said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself,"Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday."

"I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two."

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple"

"Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground."

"Does it hurt?”He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. “Only when I laugh.”“I’ll try not to be funny.”“Epic fail, beautiful."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored."