funny

"I only snatched him to get your attention,” I said. “Now that I’ve got it, this is what I want.”“Damn my dame!” Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. “I knew it! Not another list!"

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it."

"One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock..."

"Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden."

"I cook. My favorite thing to make is love."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

"Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity."

"Are you okay?"I (Cassie) call up to him."Um. Define okay."(Ben)"Okay means you're not bleeding to death.""I'm okay."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"Um...is that thing tame?"Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily."I don't think so,"Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'."

"I've had great success being a total idiot."