funny

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about."

"On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions."

"My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?"

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam."

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

"I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!"

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"

"Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it or not, my parents were so poor that they didn’t even own a farm. Nope. Instead, they had to live in a small apartment in the city."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"Working for Mab now, are you, Wolfman?"he smirked. "Like a good little attack dog? Will you also roll over and beg if she asks?"

"He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?"