funny

"*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine,"but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text."Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."

"You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so monotonous as repetition. That’s why he loathed walking so much. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and on and on."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."

"Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."

"01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert."

"The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one."

"I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely."

"Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record."

"Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker."

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!"

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."