funny

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs."

"The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!"

"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."

"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."

"In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical."

"Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed at him quietly, "For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations!"

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."

"Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there."

"Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"If you're ever feeling a lack of middle-aged white men, just pop into the Capitol. Not so much the House of Representatives, which has a bit more color and texture, but the Senate -- jeez. Yes, let's have more testosterone running the country.Maximum Ride, School's Out--Forever"

"Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo."