funny

"My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored."

"Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross."I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much."

"Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care."

"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."

"Stairs,"Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs,"Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam."

"Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!"

"I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses."

"Don't gobblefunk around with words."

"Grandmother hates it when I do the "turkey dance."Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn't understand modern dance."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."