#Funny

"The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'"

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake."

"Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"So hologram means--"I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now."

"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see."

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing."

"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."

"It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here."

"I had a dream about you. No words were exchanged, but we spoke with our eyes. My eyes said, “I love you,” while your eyes told me, “I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me."

"The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock."

"The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him."

"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."

"My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel."