#Funny

"I have to return some videotapes"

"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."

"If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads."

"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see."

"I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good."

"Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's funny movies - all the humor comes out of sad stuff. Sometimes you have to laugh, no matter what life deals you."

"I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs."

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom"or "Dad."It was "No."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love."

"June laughs. "I have to say, you look better than most people I see. I've heard a lot about you.""I hear about you a lot too,"Eden replies in a rush, "mostly from Daniel. He thinks you're really hot."

"There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower."