#Funny

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain."

"Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish."

"My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone."

"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."

"I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me."

"I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me."

"I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think."

"I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business"

"[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!"

"I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me."

"One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention."

"She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?"

"My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?"

"Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky."

"Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end."