#Funny

"I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,"I warned him. "Do not fuck with me."

"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize."

"She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I'm pretty sure that's flirting."

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"

"You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out."

"I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed."

"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"I think sometimes my humor is extremely dry, and a lot of times I would say things that I thought were very funny but... I have a reputation of - people think of me as a very fundamentalist, humorless fellow."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater."

"Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!"

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant."

"To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans"

"My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you."

"I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film."