#Funny

"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."

"I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police."

"Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"Well,” said the frog, “what are you going to do about it?”“Marrying Therandil? I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they won’t listen, and neither will Therandil.”“I didn’t ask what you’d said about it,” the frog snapped. “I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things."

"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated."

"I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago."

"You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt"

"How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday."

"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."

"And as Voltaire, one of our nation’s Founding Fathers, once said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said."

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."

"Are you in a suit?' I managed at last, my voice choking up. 'You didn’t have to dress up for me.''Quiet, Sage,' he said. 'I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue."

"I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film."

"If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name."

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."

"June laughs. "I have to say, you look better than most people I see. I've heard a lot about you.""I hear about you a lot too,"Eden replies in a rush, "mostly from Daniel. He thinks you're really hot."