#Funny

"Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press."

"Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty."

"The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies."

"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."

"All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of."

"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."

"Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it."

"I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive."

"Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note"

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless.."

"Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!"

"When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome."

"Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too."

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."