#Funny

"He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either way…wow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, I’m Ali."

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it?"He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.""It's got a car alarm.""Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?""No. It's a pretty good car alarm."

"Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge."

"Thomas, my 15-year-old, is effectively my editor, I've always trusted his voice, more than anybody, on the strip for years. He has one of those ears that's just tuned to the rhythm of humor, so if he says something's not funny, my stomach just hurts because I know he's right, and it's already been drawn."

"I may not have been completely honest about that.""You? Less than truthful? I'm shocked, Nikolai. Shocked and horrified."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple"

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"Not one word,"Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding."Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding."

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone."

"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."

"When you sit that way, you look kind of like a beach ball with a head,” he continued. “Your haircut is really, really bad, I’m probably going to lose my job for helping you this way, and I’m dying to fuck you.” He glanced at her. “That honest enough for you?"

"Did those nice church ladies come by again?"He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss."