#Funny

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped,"he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!"Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times,"Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!"

"Grandmother hates it when I do the "turkey dance."Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn't understand modern dance."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."

"Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me."

"Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell."

"I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"Anyone who thinks they can write the perfect comedy that everyone will love is a fool. I can only write what I think is funny and hope that there is a likeminded audience out there."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm."

"That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion."

"You can't be funny if you don't have good material."

"It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."