#Funny

"I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"You…you got rid of that dress fast,"I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it.""I do like it,"he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."And then he took me to the bed."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice."

"I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can."

"I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it."

"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."

"I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,"I warned him. "Do not fuck with me."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"I think that it's hard for vain people to be funny. I think you can look any way you want as long as you have a good sense of humor about yourself. People who are concerned with their looks and what they're wearing and how they present themselves tend to have less of a sense of humor about themselves."

"People won't buy study guides for a dollar, but they will pay 100 dollars for test answers. A ‪#startup‬‬‬‬ should keep this mentality in mind."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed at him quietly, "For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations!"

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"And now,"Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum."

"No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease."

"I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras,"which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment."