#Funny

"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."

"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere."

"Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom"or "Dad."It was "No."

"Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it."

"People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?"

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work."

"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."

"A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned"

"I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares."

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you."

"Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)"

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time."

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island."

"There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos."

"I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted."

"Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you,"she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?"he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

"When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours."